I though I had been doing fine since Christmas. No contact. No triggers of her. Nothing. I took the time to examine what was wrong with my marriage, what was it that I was missing in my own marriage. For me, it was far more than just simple sex. I was missing a friend. That's why I wanted my affair to continue. In my heart, that's why I so want to just stay with ~her, my AP, former AP?, whatever it is she is to me right now. I'm still very much confused.
She broke the NC rule. Now the triggers are back. Like a fool, I set up a meeting with her for several days down the road. Yet, she's back to NC. Will this meeting take place?
My mood: very disappointed
I'm having a tough time separating myself from my AP. I know she's home enjoying Christmas with her family while I sit here with a distant wife. I reflect back on the good times she and had together and the depression starts to set in. I can't let it win. This had to end and now is as good a time as any for me to break away and move on.
My mood: very sad
Over the past several weeks, I've had some time to reflect on what's ben going on in my affair. Though I do care for my AP very much, this constant roller coaster ride of limited contact then no contact at all is just driving me nuts. As much as I've enjoyed her company, I've had enough. I think it's time I took the hint. She's lost interest so I need to move on.
I do wish her the best of luck with her famiy situation. I do wish her all the best i getting over a previous lng term affair where she was deeply wounded. I honestly wished I could have helped. In the end, I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what was truly missing from my marriage. I also learned I still have the ability to make someone happy, even if it was for a short moment of time. I am grateful for those lessons learned.
My mood: pretty contemplative
Looks like our meeting won't take place today. Everything is all upside down. I completely changed my day around to be with her, only to have her bow out at the very last minute. Such is the life of someone who chooses to be in an affair rather than work on his marriage as he should. A life filled.with anxiety and drama. A life filled with second guessing and fear. One where we always look over our shoulders to see if we'll be seen. Question is, is this really worth it?
I took today off as a personal day quite some time back. The woman I've been seeing has been able to schedule some time to see me today, also. This was more of a last minute decision on her part than anything else. So, it leaves me wondering. Is she still interested? Is there hope we can continue? Is this the day I grow a pair of ballz and tell her that I do love her?
I just hope nothing else gets in the way of our being able to meet. I just want to see her face, to hold her hand, to kiss her lips. I could never tire of kissing that woman.
My mood: very hopeful
I'm starting this blog as a form of therapy. It's a safe place for me to air my frustrations over what's going on in my current affair.
Shortly after posting my first story on here, my AP came into chat for the first time in two weeks. She said she had some alone time in the house for a few minutes and wanted to go over our date from the other day. I was so elated that we actually had some time to communicate with one another. Unfortunately, her husband came into the room and the chat had to abruptly end.
I woke up this morning thinking of last night's chat. I know she's mentioned she's been right out straight for some time. Then again, when we first met, she was right out straight. For several months, she and I would exchange emails, exchange texts, and chat in IM two to three times a week. Now, we don't communicate hardly at all.
This all started to change at about the time we had "the talk" this past summer. "The talk" was in regards to emotions and affairs. i knew she could sense my developing feelings for her. What she told me then was to keep emotions out of this whole thing. It will be a lot less messy. She was right. It would be alot less messy.
The problem is that as I really got to know this woman, I couldn't help but fall for her. As a guy, I thought it would be easy to just have a fling on the side and keep my feelings separate. I was wrong. I do have deep feelings for this woman. That's why I get so anxious when I don't hear from her very often. That's why I get so anxious when our meetings drop down to maybe once every three weeks.
I wish I could look her in the eye right now and tell her that I love her. I haven't worked up the courage, yet. The reason is that I'm afraid she'll up and walk away.
Previous PostsHappy New Year, posted January 5th, 2013
Merry Christmas, posted December 24th, 2012
Time to go, posted December 21st, 2012
Fuggitall, posted November 30th, 2012
Here it is, posted November 30th, 2012
First post, posted November 28th, 2012
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